how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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