you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
