whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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