I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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