I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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