I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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