You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
