Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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