I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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