so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
