My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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