Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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