duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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