Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
