Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
