regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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