Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
