I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
