I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
