remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
