and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
