I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
