Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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