HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
