I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You were trust falling into bushes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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