So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize