I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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