you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
