you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
