nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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