the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
