final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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