Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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