hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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