you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
