i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
