Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
