You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
