Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
