i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
