talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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