life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
