I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
