the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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