a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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