This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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