I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
