walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
