I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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