I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
