party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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