I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
