Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
