I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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