Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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