Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
