Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
