talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
